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Ashlee Simpson Wants to Do Michael Jackson

Papa Joe Simpson is doing the predictable thing and jumping on the Michael Jackson death bandwagon in order to try and resurrect Ashlee Simpson’s dead music career. Page Six hears:

“THAT Joe Simpson, never one to miss an opportunity, is trying to revive Ashlee Simpson’s record career by pitching a concept album on which Ashlee would record songs of Michael Jackson.”

I might be going out on a limb here, but shouldn’t you know how to sing before you try to sing? Especially when you try to sing like Michael Jackson? Ashlee Simpson just needs to stay home and go back to sharing makeup tips with her husband and thinking of more retarded names for their future children. The only time that CD would ever be useful is to set your drink on or torture Gitmo detainees, and I have enough coasters.

I’m totally late posting today because I turned on the Michael Jackson memorial and slept through 90% of it because it was so mind numbingy boring and weird. Then I was so tired from napping I napped some more. Then I woke up and the memorial was replaying on every channel again, so I fell asleep again. The only exciting part was how absolutely creepy Michael Jackson’s family still is and all their acting and posturing while wearing matching white, sequined gloves. Which, by the way, was hilarious. Michael’s casket was gold plated, so grave robbers will probably dig it up soon and steal it like it’s ancient Egypt and Michael is some kind of pharaoh.

I’m too lazy to go digging up pictures from the memorial, so here are Rihanna and her tits in Vegas this weekend. Rihanna’s somewhat topical because she dated a Michael Jackson impersonator by the name of Chris Brown who beat the shit out of her. Get it? Beat it? And now we’ve come full circle. Stick with me, kids. I’ll take ya places.

Michael Jackson’s three kids are not his biological children, and to slap some icing on the cake, Debbie Rowe (that white, lesbian looking nurse person) is not the mother of any of them, either. Triple layer of icing and cake, Michael Jackson never legally adopted these three random kids of his. TMZ sayeth:

“We’ve learned Michael Jackson never adopted his three children, even though he’s not the biological father. We broke the story that neither Jackson nor Debbie Rowe are the biological parents of Michael Jr. and Paris. And Michael was not the biological parent of Prince Michael II either. Now here’s the rub. We’ve learned Jackson never filed legal papers to adopt any of his children. Legal experts tell us Jackson would be presumed the father but it’s not conclusive by any means. As for why Jackson didn’t formally adopt — we’re told at the time the kids were born there was no third party whom he believed would try and claim custody. For some reason, Jackson never thought Debbie Rowe would mount a custody challenge.”

If you’re shocked by this, you’re either way too optimistic, or way too dumb. But either way, you need a healthy dose of deafening alarm clock. Don’t kid yourselves anymore.

“Kid yourselves.”

That pretty much sums up Mike’s life, doesn’t it?