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Jessica Simpson is Drunk Again
Jessica Simpson’s entire life consists of being annoying, failing at everything and being drunk. And that’s pretty much it. It’s a simple life, really. I guess the only hard part is how she manages to get completely blotto everywhere she goes. Most places don’t have a liquor license, but that doesn’t matter. Jessica could go to a Gymboree and would still need to be carried to her car an hour later.
See Also
Keywords: Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson
Tony Romo Finally Dumped Jessica Simpson
Jessica Simpson’s Twitter page is usually full of inane nonsense and God stuff, but this weekend it took an especially sappy turn which led people to wonder what was up with her. She had been planning a ridiculous “Barbie and Ken” themed birthday party for herself this weekend, but then her Twitter updates progressed as follows:
“barbie party didn’t happen, but i turned 29 and feel like i am on top of the world yelling I LOVE GETTING OLDER6:54 PM Jul 11th from web
The beat of a heart can make you realize the special rhythm of a person…just listen.7:41 PM Jul 12th from UberTwitter
I like the irregular beat…it sends me to another placeXO7:43 PM Jul 12th from UberTwitter
everyone needs to know that hope floats…grab the strings and pull it back to you9:05 PM Jul 12th from web
Falling asleep with my mom and the dogs. Please lord give all of my beautiful fans, friends, enemies, and family rest. Bring all of us peace11:56 PM Jul 12th from UberTwitter”
Well, all that garbage makes sense now because it’s official, Tony Romo dumped Jessica the day before her birthday. This is the first well executed play Tony Romo’s had in a long time, so it’s worthy of recognition. Not only did he not have to buy her a birthday present, but he was able to avoid being dressed like an idiot at her 6-year-old themed birthday party. There is absolutely no way Tony Romo would have recovered from that embarrassment. Jessica Simpson needs to learn from Liza Minnelli. If she wants to emasculate and play dolly dress-up with her boyfriends, then she needs to date gay men. Or she can just give up, buy a Snuggie, and spend the rest of her life hidden from the public eye surrounded by her 18 cats, because they’re the only ones who’ll truly love her and understand her.
Jessica Simpson and her nipples three years ago before she was dumped by John Mayer:
See Also
Keywords: Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo
Jessica Simpson is Still Trying Too Hard
Jessica Simpson’s annoying ass sang the National Anthem at the AT&T National PGA Golf Tournament in Bethesda, Maryland today. It’s a good thing she was respectful and wore this classy dress and didn’t unhinge her giant jaw to deepthroat the microphone this time. She really toned it down. And don’t mind those big, hard nipples she has there. Those were necessary to cast shadows on her feet. Sunny day. Don’t want sunburned toes. See, she’s a functional whore.
Warning: Low volume and vomit bags might be necessary -
Bonus:
(Thanks, Rob)
See Also
Keywords: Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods, Tony Romo
Jessica Simpson Thinks She’s Mariah Carey
Jessica Simpson zipped herself into an industrial strength Spanx body corset and called the paparazzi to meet her at La Esquina in New York last night. Thrilling. Thanks for the photo-op, Jess. My favorite part is your personal butt-picker who helps you lift your ass up and out of the seat so you don’t fall face first into the gutter. This dress is like Donna Martin’s mermaid costume on BH 90210. Poor thing can’t even move her legs. Next time, in addition to calling the paparazzi, Jessica should call an ambulance so they can prop one of those boards underneath her to extract her from her car.
See Also
Keywords: Jessica Simpson
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