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Jessica Simpson is a Big Fat Drunken Mess

Jessica was looking a bit rough as she was seen leaving the West Hollywood hotspot Katsuya. The recently engaged country singer stumbled around as she and fiance Eric Johnson left the restaurant and had some serious issues trying to get into the car.

“In the commercial, the cartoon version of Marion Barber says, “Man, I still can’t believe Tony dated Jessica Simpson, even after she blew up bigger than Flozell Adams!” The cartoon version of Jason Witten says, “Unlike Tony, at least Jessica comes up big when it counts!” And the cartoon version of coach Wade Phillips adds, “Say Tony, is Jessica around? We could use a defensive tackle!” Fox issued a statement saying, “Burger King did not have any editorial input in the creation of the animation that ran last Sunday, and no one from Burger King Corp., approved it before it aired. “Upon reflection, our poor attempt at humor was insensitive, and we deeply apologize to anyone who might have been offended.”"

I guess this was probably only funny to Cowboys fans. I’m a Cowboys fan and I thought it was hilarious and I don’t care if it was cheap and juvenile. Jessica Simpson was nothing but a distraction and a jinx when she was dating Tony Romo and her association with the Cowboys was an embarrassment to the team and its fans. The fans’ hatred of her was duly noted and well publicized, yet she kept turning her relationship with Tony into a big publicity stunt for herself and thumbed her nose at Dallas fans. This commercial wasn’t seen by massive amounts of people and is only popular now because Jessica Simpson publicly cried about it - and is using it to sell her new TV series about fat girls being comfortable in their skin.

So fuck her.

If I worked for the Dallas Cowboys I’d have a “Stay Puft Marshmallow Jessica Day” where ticket holders are given free marshmallow men with Jessica heads on them, and I’d even have a bonfire set up if they want to gather ’round and make s’mores out of them. And no, Jessica, you can’t have seconds. One per person.

Jessica leaving her hotel in Manhattan yesterday:

According to a UK poll, British people think Britney Spears is the best celebrity mother. Never mind the fact that she’s still too retarded to take care of herself so her father is still her legal babysitter, and she’s still not allowed to have full custody of her kids or visit them without supervision. Daily Dish reports:

“She received a mammoth 74 percent share of the vote in a new poll by U.K. company Park Christmas Saving to find the best mother in show business. Following in second place is Spears’ childhood rival, Christina Aguilera, who pulled in 12 per cent of the votes, while mother-of-six Angelina Jolie was in third.”

Good grief, how low are the parenting standards in the UK? According to this poll, the shittier parent you are, the more they praise you. I’ve never been to the UK, but it would be an interesting visit. I picture babies nailed to walls with dart board targets painted on their stomachs, toddler aged bank robbers, elementary school aged pimps and hos working the playground, and maternity wards with full bars and topless pole dancing nurses. Actually, that last one is a pretty damn good idea.

Britney (without her kids, as usual) a couple days ago in Beverly Hills: