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Britney Spears Wants To Be Unfrozen Caveman Retard

Not satisfied with having marred the music industry and generations of impressionable girls in this lifetime, Britney Spears would like to screw thing up in the future by using cryogenics to freeze herself and then Austin Powers herself in the future. The Sun reports:

A pal of the star said: “Brit gets these obsessions and this is the latest. “It started when someone told her Walt Disney had been preserved by cryogenics to be revived in the future. That was a myth but it got her researching the foundation and she became convinced it was worth a shot. “Brit found the whole thing so interesting she spent most of her Mother’s Day trip to Disneyland researching the subject on the internet while a nanny took the boys round the park. “She looked into having her ashes turned into diamonds after she is gone but settled on the chance of getting to live in the future.” But before she invests loads of cash, she has to convince her dad Jamie, who currently holds the purse strings. The source went on: “Jamie is quite happy to let Brit have her little obsessions, especially when it means she’s holed up on the internet safely or watching the Discovery Channel.

Don’t think for a second this isn’t true. Of course it’s true. Every time I see an interview with Britney I catch myself drooling and looking as slack-jawed as she does. She’s one of the dumbest human beings ever created. I’d love to watch her watching the Discovery Channel. Every time an animal runs off screen she probably runs into the next rooms trying to find them. I wonder how many times her handlers have searched the neighborhood for her and found her in somebody’s yard lookin’ for duh anterlopes that runned away. Them lions were a-chasin ‘em an’ I didn’t wan’ ‘em tuh get me too! Are duh anterlopes okay, y’all??

Britney shopping on Robertson Blvd. earlier this month:

Britney Spears Wants To Be Unfrozen Caveman Retard

Paul Dainty said that the star had been left traumatised by the media coverage which suggested fans stormed out of her Circus tour performances at Perth’s Burswood Dome on Friday, due mainly to the fact that she was miming during segments of the two-hour show. “Britney is aware of all this and she’s extremely upset by it,” Dainty told The Australian. “She’s a human being. I’m embarrassed, with such a big international entourage here with Britney, to be part of the Australian media when I see that kind of totally inaccurate reporting.” Yesterday, words such as beat, up, embarrassed and fabrication were used by the veteran tour promoter to describe the media coverage. “It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever heard,” Dainty said. “I’m so angry. We can take heat if there’s something wrong and people can review shows badly — that’s something you have to live with — but to say people stormed out of the show was an absolute fabrication.” Dainty was responding to reports that fans, some of whom had paid up to $1500 for tickets, left as early as the third song due to Spears’ “lacklustre” performance.

People walked out of her shows here in Las Vegas, too, so I don’t doubt the veracity of this story at all. People with FREE tickets even walked out. The shows were that bad. The only reason anyone stuck around long enough during her Sunday show in Vegas was to see what her “big surprise” was that her promoters were hyping. When that surprise turned out to be Lance Bass, everyone committed suicide.

Dumpy McSags in Perth:

According to a UK poll, British people think Britney Spears is the best celebrity mother. Never mind the fact that she’s still too retarded to take care of herself so her father is still her legal babysitter, and she’s still not allowed to have full custody of her kids or visit them without supervision. Daily Dish reports:

“She received a mammoth 74 percent share of the vote in a new poll by U.K. company Park Christmas Saving to find the best mother in show business. Following in second place is Spears’ childhood rival, Christina Aguilera, who pulled in 12 per cent of the votes, while mother-of-six Angelina Jolie was in third.”

Good grief, how low are the parenting standards in the UK? According to this poll, the shittier parent you are, the more they praise you. I’ve never been to the UK, but it would be an interesting visit. I picture babies nailed to walls with dart board targets painted on their stomachs, toddler aged bank robbers, elementary school aged pimps and hos working the playground, and maternity wards with full bars and topless pole dancing nurses. Actually, that last one is a pretty damn good idea.

Britney (without her kids, as usual) a couple days ago in Beverly Hills: