Mischa Barton Fell Down

UGG boots are for warming the feet of surfers after surfing, Mischa. Serves you right. You shouldn’t be wearing that footwear, you shouldn’t be playing a model on a TV show, and Ashton Kutcher shouldn’t be allowed to put anything on TV anymore. Unless it’s his suicide video. That I could handle. What, too mean? Think about it. It’d be really spastic, and it’d mention Demi Moore and a laundry list of celebrites he’s BFFs with, his pre-pube voice would get progressively louder and screechier, then there’d be a *bang* (which would be barely audible over Ashton) and then the sound of silence. Noise, discomfort, stench, noise, flush, relief. Just like taking a crap.

Mischa being stunning on August 17th:

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Keywords: Ashton Kutcher, Mischa Barton

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are on Vacation

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are on vacation with Katherine Heigl in the Bahamas. Demi Moore is 46 years old, so we’re all supposed to be impressed beyond words that she looks like this. In reality, Demi Moore has spent close to half a million dollars on various plastic surgeries during her 46 years of living, so color me unimpressed. While you’re at it, color a big “X” on Ashton Kutcher’s dumb face. And then draw a shark coming out of the water and devouring both of them. Then draw a bunch of people celebrating on the shore, including me, but give me really big tits and make me rich. Dollar signs for eyes or something like that. You know what to do. You’re the artist. Thanks.

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Keywords: Ashton Kutcher, Bikini, Boobs, Demi Moore