I’m going to live blog American Idol tonight because it’s on its last leg and it’s either this or
finish start taking down my Christmas decorations.
8:01 – Obama stuff, “yes we can,” and yes the fans can’t remember the name of this show.
8:05 – Shania is hot, the frizzy haired blonde is, too. Billions of commercials ahead.
8:11 – Amy Lame overdoing it.
8:14 – Shania is horrified. And wanting to murder this bitch.
8:15 – Randy said “yeeaah yeeah” again.
8:16 – Charity sang Summertime in Paris Hilton baby voice and got a golden ticket.
I need a cocktail.
Cindy Crawford is hawking her furniture.
Welcome back to Chicago.
8:18 – Poor Shania.
8:19 – Would be nice to know what these people are talking about, but we didn’t get to see their auditions.
8:20 – We passed up all those other auditions for Angela and her traffic warrant? Christ.
Trying not to forget what I’m doing here in favor of masturbating to anything other than this.
Michelle Obama and her scary eyebrows scaring people into charging 10 bucks on their cell phone bill.
8:34 – I like Curly. Give that man a ticket.
8:37 – Tiny Tim and his chins stay in character.
Another hour of commercials. Coming up, another sob story… Trying not to kill myself before it’s back.
8:44 – The champ is here. Randy’s teeth are 70 shades too white. No wonder Simon quit. Poor Shania.
More poor Shania.
8:47 – Shania wets her pants for a not all that talented Asian dude.
Ryan Seacrest promising a sob story after an hour of commercials. Can’t wait.
8:47 – Ryan Seacrest bought his shirt at Forever 21
I fell asleep.
Rewound my DVR, replayed…missed nothing.
8:59 – Poor Shania.
Keywords: american idol
Now that openly gay Ellen DeGeneres has joined the judges’ panel on American Idol, the powers that be have instructed everyone to cut out any gay jokes, especially the ones between Simon Cowell and Ryan Seacrest. National Enquirer reports (via Celebitchy):
“Simon and Ryan have had their fun poking at each other’s sexuality for eight seasons now, even though neither one of them is gay. “With an openly gay woman coming on board, an effort is being made to make her feel welcome,” a source divulged. “Simon’s been told, and to a lesser extent Ryan too, that the act is played out anyway, so no more ribbing each other about being gay. The ‘Idol’ bosses don’t want it.” Simon has ribbed Ryan mercilessly about his sexuality for years, even advising him to “lose the beard” when he briefly dated actress Teri Hatcher. Meanwhile, Ryan has joked that Simon is a cross-dresser. “Idol” boss Simon Fuller was never fond of the gay joshing, according to another source, but the show’s former producer Nigel Lythgoe thought it was hilarious. “Nigel thought the gay talk was over the heads of most of the kids who watch the show,” the source told The Enquirer. “But Simon (Fuller) says with Ellen coming on board, he wants it stopped.””
This post is also known as “We’re Just Kidding, Ryan Seacrest is Totally Gay,” and “Had To Squeeze That Last Gay Joke in There While We Could Because Nobody is Going to Watch This Soon To Be Canceled Gay Show Anymore.”
Another one of American Idol’s mentally unstable contestants is dead. Alexis Cohen was hit by a car and killed yesterday. TMZ says authorities are calling her death a homicide. It’s a sad story, but this girl never shut up, and if Christine ever taught me anything, it’s don’t make cars angry. I don’t know how law and order will be able to arrest and convict it, and if I were them, I wouldn’t even try.
Keywords: american idol
The folks over at Vote For the Worst were good enough to track down contestant Adam Lambert’s MySpace page and share with the unsuspecting public the fact that Adam Lambert is the gayest gay ever. I know, I was shocked too. It’s pretty hard to look gayer than this. He out-gays most queens. He’s gayer than Clay Aiken. Gayer than Ru Paul. Gayer than all 5,700 seasons of Will and Grace combined. I’m not even sure it’s appropriate to call him “he” or “him.” It probably offends her. She probably prefers “bitch” or “ma’am.” Adam’s new name is Madam. Madam Lambert.