Apologies for being gone so long, but shit happens. I missed you more.
I’ve received your messages asking me to weigh in on this Tiger Woods saga, but I don’t have it in me to post every time a new hooker announces Tiger is one of her clients, so my thoughts on all of this will be limited to this one post, at least for now. So here goes…
Tiger Woods is a goofy looking dork who would not have scored any of this good looking tail in his lifetime unless he paid for it or had enough money to attract it. He’s not even charming or witty unless he’s reading a script. Bottom line is he’s a doofus with a billion dollars who’s doing what any uncharismatic goober would do … he’s getting as much as he can before his hot Swedish wife renders him ‘only’ a millionaire sans endorsements.
In other news, here’s Nicole Kidman at the NINE premiere Tuesday night with white crap all over her face. She went on a rant about Castro and Sosa. Then she went on asking if people would say hello to her little friend, and then it reached a new uncomfortable level when she was hugging and kissing her dead, half naked seester. She’s nuts, that Nicole. Tom’s fault.
Melanie Griffish looks like a melting snowman. There is no returning to her former self from here. The only thing the kids can do is hang on to her corncob pipe and button nose and hope she’ll be back again some day.
Keywords: melanie griffith
Here’s George Clooney’s “girlfriend,” Elisabetta Canalis, at his pad in Puerto Vallarta this weekend. George would have been with her her but he ran out of anti-frizz for his hair and he couldn’t find a hat to match his outfit. Then he nicked the wet polish on his manicure while he tying his apron, so he broke down sobbing and forgot about his cupcakes in the oven, and they burned. Elisabetta just needed some time alone while George’s Midol went to work.