Jennifer Lopez is apparently still making “music” and here she is performing at the AMAs last night and falling on her ass. The jackass is wearing flats, sneakers even, and still couldn’t land on her feet. The best thing that ever happened to Jennifer Lopez is Selena’s death and Puff Daddy’s penis – and the worst thing to happen to us is Jennifer Lopez, so can we be done with her now? The only way she should be allowed to stick around is if she promises to keep doing embarrassing shit like this so we can laugh at her. But she’s gonna have to keep raising the bar. She just can’t do the same ol’ falling on her ass all the time. Eventually she’s going to have to fall off a boat and get eaten by sharks.
Here are more pictures from the 2009 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show which won’t air on television until next month. Out of the hundreds available, I picked out the ones I thought were the most artistic and newsworthy. And by that I mean, I squinted at the thumbnails and saved the naked looking ones as I unknowingly drank an expired Naked Juice. While I projectile vomit and have another near death experience, please enjoy the following:
Frederique Van Der Wal used to be my favorite Victoria’s Secret model. Growing up I figured if I stared at her pictures long enough and wished hard enough I’d eventually bud some boobs and bod like hers. Didn’t work. Anyway, when she retired, Heidi Klum took over, and I wished for her boobs and bod. Still didn’t work. It doesn’t matter because I was elected “The Only Human Who’s Ever Mattered Ever” today, and Fred/Heidi have a lovely new ingenue by the name of Candice.
She has labia.
Yes. Yes he is. People states the obvious in their latest special issue.
Break out the Bordeaux, the whoopee cushions and the bangin’ Keith Richards guitar solos, because the 2009 Sexiest Man Alive party is officially under way. Bringing the fun with him wherever he goes – whether it’s onscreen in fizzy roles like Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise or at home with his family on their private Bahamian island – is just one reason why Johnny Depp, who also scored the honor in 2003, has joined an elite club of two-time SMA title holders (only Brad Pitt and George Clooney have matched the feat). At 46, the father of two still reigns as Hollywood’s most irresistible iconoclast; as one-of-a-kind as his beloved 15-year-old boots and as smoldering as his favorite Cuban cigars.
Speaking of vaginas, mine has a certain reaction when it comes to all things Johnny Depp. Science has a name for it. It’s called a tsunami.
This video has been all over the Internet today and is being touted as a “lesbian sex tape.” There’s no sex and these aren’t lesbians, but it’s still worth posting because Carmen Electra is here. I prefer to think about her during her Prince and Dave Navarro days and try to ignore the Dennis Rodman times because the thought of it is anything but sexy. Removing her panties must be like opening a closet door in Poltergeist.
Screen shots and some classic nudes of Carmen (click for NSFW):
I’m not in Elementary School (anymore, dropped out) so I only barely know who Ashley Tisdale is. Supposedly she was in those movies and co-starred with that hairy chick who likes to take naked pictures of herself. She also used to have brown hair and big nose. I wish I could tell you more, but I already forgot what I was talking about and this COPS rerun is back from commercial. Domestic violence call at a trailer owned by two trannies. Advantage: trannies.
Hayden Panettiere represents the Lollipop Guild so smoking something which stunts her growth further is probably a bad idea. Is it just me or is her head getting even bigger? Pretty soon it’s going to get so heavy she’ll turn upside down and no matter how many times you try to tip her over she’ll keep balancing on the top of her head. She’ll be a celebrity Weeble Wobble. She’ll make a great stocking stuffer!
Keywords: hayden panettiere
A 26-year-old German man named Edis Kayalar was charged today for trying to extort $100,000 from Cindy Crawford and her husband, Rande Gerber. Kayalar stole a photo of Cindy and Rande’s daughter from their home. In the photo, Cindy’s 7-year-old daughter bound and gagged in a chair. Via AP and TMZ:
The photo was purportedly taken by the couple’s former nanny and shows the girl, then 7, bound to a chair wearing shorts and a T-shirt. The daughter told her parents, who were unaware of the photo, that the nanny took the picture as part of a “cops and robbers” game, according to an affidavit filed in the case. The nanny, whose name wasn’t released, has not been charged. Kayalar allegedly took the photo from the nanny and repeatedly sought to get money from Crawford and Gerber, court documents said. Kayalar threatened to sell or release the photo to the media if his demands weren’t met, the affidavit said.
Crawford’s rep says the photo was taken as part of a game of cops and robbers, without Crawford’s knowledge. The docs say the nanny took the photos as a “prank” and that Kayalar stole the picture from her. We’re told Crawford and Gerber went to the cops, who turned it over to the FBI. According to legal docs, Gerber paid Kayalar $1,000 for what he thought was the original photo. But Gerber claims Kayalar came back a few days later, claiming he still had a copy and demanded more money. And this is curious …. according to the documents, Kayalar was arrested by the L.A. County Sheriff’s Department on September 16, 2009, placed in federal custody by ICE agents for an immigration violation. He was then deported to Germany. But it didn’t end there … The Feds say on November 1, 2009, Kayalar called the Crawfords from Germany and said he “had no choice now but to extort the victims for money because they had gotten him deported.” He demanded $100,000 or else he’d release the photo to the media.
Of course it’s perfectly normal to be unaware of the fact that there are photos laying around of your small children tied to chairs and gagged. We’ll just gloss right over that. I swear, rich people and their nannies. Why bother having kids at all if you’re just going to hire full-time parents to raise them for you? Another question, why hasn’t anyone stolen these pictures of me bound and gagged and tried to sell them to the press? It’s the toilet and the guy in the taco costume isn’t it? You can crop those out!
Cindy Crawford back in the 1990s at the peak of her hotness: